The Happiness Project | One Hour at a Time

I thought that if I had any more miscarriages, that they would be easier in some way.  I've already been through so much, I know what to expect, it certainly can't get any worse, etc.

I was wrong.

A month ago, Brian and I were once again planning for our miracle baby.  This was it, third time's a charm, we were CHOOSING to believe in this pregnancy, in this baby.  I kept reminding myself that the odds were in my favor, only 1% of women experience three miscarriages after all.  I reveled in the nausea and exhaustion, even while I was hot and sober in New Orleans.  I was fighting to keep all negative thoughts and worries away and I was planning on a March due date.

I thought that this loss would be easier.  We hadn't seen it on an ultrasound yet, the loss itself was much less traumatic and painful than our last...it should have been easier.  But it wasn't.  Three losses.  There is a panic and a hopelessness that comes with that.  Especially when the doctors can't figure out why this keeps happening.  We're doing everything we can, I truly love my doctor and I trust that we will figure this out and somewhere deep down in my soul I know that we will have a family...but that part of my soul has been buried for the last few weeks.

But I'm not writing this to go over all of the details of my situation again.  Infertility sucks.  Miscarriage sucks.  There's no way around all that.  I'm writing this because for the last month, I have experienced a sadness unlike anything I have ever experienced before.  And I'm writing this because I know that I am not the only one who has experienced it or who might be experiencing it right now.  I'm writing this because I am fighting like hell against it and to feel like myself again.  I'm writing this because my life just isn't about being a mom right now...and that's okay.  And I have to do something about my life right now, the way it is today...because I know one day it will be about being a mom and maybe I'm lucky to have this time to really figure my shit out and get ready for that amazing journey.

And I will tell you what I keep telling my husband and my family and friends...I'm okay, I promise.  You don't need to worry about me.  I'm really @&#*ing sad, but I am ready to fight.

Some years back, I read the Happiness Project (if you haven't yet, read it...) and I started thinking that maybe I could use some of those principles to pull myself out of this depression.  I have got nothing but time on my hands right now and I know how freaking lucky I am.  When I quit my job two years ago, I fully planned on having a baby within the year.  Infertility has taken over my world and I have let it define me and take over in ways that I am still trying to fully understand and accept. I have let it get in the way of two businesses that I love and I have let it keep those businesses from truly flourishing.  There is so much I could be doing right now but I just feel stuck, paralyzed...

I knew that I would need to stick to a serious schedule if I was going to even try to get anything done.  In the Happiness Project, you focus on a specific part of your life for a month at a time, so I decided to break that down into hours instead.  What I've been doing is breaking my days into hour long slots, and giving myself a specific check list to focus on for each hour.  I even set an alarm on my phone so I don't lose track of time.  My first hour is always my Miracle Morning hour (another must-read) so I meditate, read my personal development, journal, drink coffee, etc.  Next I usually have a Cleaning hour...make the bed, put dishes away, straighten up, do a load of laundry, or whatever else needs to be done...I just add it to my to-do list.  I have an hour for Beachbody work, an hour for Photography work, an hour for a DIY project around the house, an hour for a workout, an hour for a HOBBY!  This is a lesson from the Happiness Project, we're happy when we're growing...so I made a list of things that I know will make me happy but that I don't usually make time for, and now I have an hour or two built into each day to focus on those things.

I have found that the 1 Hour alarm system brings SO much peace of mind to my days...way more than I would have imagined.  The way my brain works, I have so many things I want to get done and ideas bouncing around in there that I just feel overwhelmed and I end up getting very little accomplished.  This way, I only have ONE thing to focus on and I know that when the alarm goes off, I can stop and move on to the next.

I've only been doing this for a few days, but it's working.  I feel a little lighter and that tightness in my chest is starting to loosen it's grasp.  I guess I am writing this partly because I want to document this journey in some way, but also in the hopes that you might be struggling with something in your own life...maybe you're struggling with infertility, too, or maybe you're stuck in a depression that you don't know how to get out of...and maybe this might help in a small way.  There is power in knowing you're not alone and there is power in taking control of your depression and fighting against it.

So, check back in if you want to follow along with my little Happiness Project.  I will be documenting it more thoroughly over in my Instagram Stories (@brookswhittaker) but I will also be posting in here about my different projects and hobbies and ways that I am using my hours...

"Negative emotions have an important role to play in a happy life...they are big, flashing signs that something needs to change." - Gretchen Rubin, The Happiness Project

Taco Soup and Making Your Own Taco Seasoning

One of my favorite recipes growing up was my mom's taco soup.  It's still one of my favorites.  As soon as the weather starts to cool off in the Fall I make it.  I always make it for Halloween, pretty much every college football game, when we decorate our Christmas tree...you get the picture.  As we gear up for some cold weather this weekend, you can bet I'll be making it!

Over the last few years, I've made changes here or there to lighten it up and make it a little healthier.  The original is made with ground beef, a packet of taco seasoning, a big dollop of sour cream and crunched up Tostitos on top.  It really doesn't get much better.  

But I married a man who doesn't eat red meat, so that was the first thing to go.  Then, a couple years ago, I started making my own taco seasoning to avoid the preservatives and chemicals that come with those handy little packets!

One of the things I have learned over these years on my health and fitness journey is that it really is possible to make small, healthy changes here and there to your favorite recipes.  It's easy to feel like you're "giving something up" but you're not.  This recipe tastes exactly like the taco soup that I grew up loving.  

Start by heating up a tablespoon or two of EVOO.  I like to add a sprinkle of crushed red pepper flakes -- this adds a little heat, not too much spiciness.  

Next, a diced red onion.  I like to use red onion for the color honestly, I can't tell much of a difference in the taste of different onion varieties, so feel free to use your favorite...if you have a favorite onion variety, that is.

Then, sautée 1lb ground turkey until it is cooked through.  Season the meat at this point with a pinch of kosher salt.  Next comes the tricky part...

Get your can opener out!  Dump in 2 cans petite diced tomatoes (or a 28 oz can) and 1 can tomato sauce.  I add some water to the tomato sauce can and swish it around and add that in, too.  

Then 1 can of black beans and 1 can of kidney beans, rinsed and drained.  Again, I then fill the cans up with water and add that in!  You can decide here if you think it needs more liquid, just add in some more water!  

I started to make my own taco seasoning a few years ago.  It's easy, healthy, and I think it tastes better!  To make the seasoning I combine all of the seasoning in a small glass jar and shake it up, it usually makes enough to use in a few meals.  You could definitely make it in "bulk" but I prefer to do it in small batches.  

2 Tbs Chili Powder

1-2 Tbs Cumin (I love cumin...)

1tsp Paprika

1/2 tsp Garlic Powder

1/2 tsp Onion Powder

1/2 tsp Red Pepper Flakes

1/2 tsp Oregano

1 tsp Kosher Salt

1 tsp Black Pepper

A packet of taco seasoning has approximately 2 Tbs, so add that into the soup!  I like to let it simmer for a long time, I usually make it in the afternoon and let it simmer until dinnertime.  It's also super easy to throw all of this into the crock-pot!!!!!!

Next, using a pizza slicer I cut up a few corn tortillas into strips.

Spread the strips out evenly on a baking sheet, toss with a small drizzle of olive oil, then sprinkle with kosher salt.  Bake at 425 degrees for 8-10 minutes.

To serve, top the soup with a dollop of plain, Greek yogurt, some shredded cheese, the tortilla strips, and some fresh cilantro!  Sometimes I dice up some avocado to throw on there, too!  Go crazy.

If there is one meal that I love as much as tacos...it's taco soup.  I hope you enjoy it, let me know if you give it a try!

Taco Soup

1 lb ground turkey

1 diced onion

1 28oz can petite diced tomatoes

1 15oz can tomato sauce

1 15oz can black beans

1 15oz can kidney beans

2 Tbs taco seasoning

Before.

Before pictures are scary.  Nobody likes them...until they have afters.

I always encourage my challengers to take befores because pictures just have the ability to tell a different story than the scale does.  If you only go by the scale, you could be disappointed at the end of your program.  Muscle weighs more than fat and there is just so much that affects that number on the scale.  If you only go by that number, you might get discouraged and that could lead to missed workouts and junk food...but when you put a before next to an after...well, it's just the best.

I don't normally share my befores until I have my afters.  But that's not the way I want to do things anymore.  As you all know, I'm trying this "laying it all out there" thing this year.  I want to be honest with you about where I am now.

So today I got up, weighed myself (ouch) took my measurements (double ouch) and then took my before pictures (ugh.)

This is officially the biggest I have ever been and the most I have ever weighed.  After three years of falling in love with fitness and nutrition and getting into the best shape of my life...I am now in the worst shape of my life.  That's not an easy thing to accept.

It took me 4 months to make this transformation...

Do I have a good reason for being in the shape I'm in now?  Absolutely.  Does it make it any easier?  Nope.

But I'm so thankful because the last two years haven't only been about working on my body...I have worked so hard to learn how to love and accept my body the way that it is.  It isn't always easy.  Today wasn't easy.  But I have to be thankful and feel blessed for this body of mine and all that it can do.

You have to workout because you love your body...not because you hate it.

I am so blessed to have all the tools I need to get back to my healthiest self.  Today I am starting Core de Force.  So stay tuned for my afters...I'm ready to fight for it!

December 13th | Day 1

Starting Weight: 178 lbs

Chest: 37

Arm: 14

Waist: 32

Belly: 37.5

Hips: 46.5

Thigh: 26.5

The Truth About This Year

A big part of my job as a Beachbody Coach is to share my life with you.  My health and fitness journey, my career, working from home, etc.  I share my life with you in the hopes that it might inspire you in some small way...and I love it.  But the truth is, I haven't really been doing that this year.

It probably won't come as a surprise to many of you that Brian and I have been trying to get pregnant.  First of all, I've probably told you about it if you've given me half a chance.  But also, when you're 30 years old and you quit your job...I don't think it's a big secret what you're up to.  In a few weeks, we will have been trying for one year.  Here's the thing about fertility: every one tells you not to worry until you've been trying for one year.  In our case, they let us start worrying a little earlier...but that first year benchmark is still looming for me.

A few months into trying, it became clear that something wasn't quite right.  I was quickly diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) after an ultrasound showed ovarian cysts.  PCOS is an insulin resistance which disrupts normal hormone production.  Some of the common symptoms are ovarian cysts, irregular periods, and difficulty losing weight.  I knew about PCOS through my online fitness community, it's extremely common in women my age.  On the one hand, I was actually a little relieved to get that diagnosis.  If you've been following me on this Beachbody journey for the last couple of years and thought, "she doesn't seem to be getting any smaller..." you're not alone.  I've wondered the same thing.  I have always had trouble losing weight.  I have to work really hard to maintain and even harder to actually lose.  So, finding out that I might be able to blame some of that on PCOS, (and not just on my love for tacos,) was a relief.  But, on the other hand, I was devastated.  It meant that my body didn't work the way that it should.  It meant that I would probably need help to get pregnant, which terrified me.  I felt betrayed by my body.

The one thing that I have wanted my entire life is to be a mom.  As a kid, I loved babies.  I started babysitting as soon as I could and it's all I ever really did for work.  I have taken care of and loved so many babies over the years and now it's finally my turn...and I can't do it.  I quickly let PCOS define me.  I stopped caring about my weight, I stopped working out, I started eating my emotions...

But, I was also determined.  I worked with my doctor to regulate my cycles.  When that didn't work I got in to see one of the best fertility doctors in Florida.  My life quickly became about doing whatever I needed to do to make sure we got pregnant.

And we did.

It was easier than I thought it would be, those fertility guys really know what they're doing.  A few pills, some ultrasounds, a shot, and BAM...there it was.  That second line I'd been waiting to see for 8 months.

And then almost just as quickly...it was gone.

At that stage they won't even call it a miscarriage.  It's called a "chemical pregnancy."  Basically, it's enough to get you that positive pregnancy test, but it never really progresses any further than that.  It was so early, if I hadn't been going through infertility, I probably would never have even known it was there.  But, I was still devastated.  I felt betrayed by my body.

But, I was also even more determined now.  I told myself over and over again how common this was. I also knew that your body was usually more fertile following a loss so I was confident that I would ovulate on my own.  So, even though we had to take a break from the medicated cycles with the fertility doctor, I made sure to ask if it was safe for us to try on our own.  It was, so we did, and it worked.

That second positive test was such a different experience for me.  I was surprised, but not shocked.  I smiled and laughed, I didn't weep with relief.  When you work with a fertility doctor, you are very closely monitored those first weeks so you get a lot of early ultrasounds.  And week after week, it was there.  It was growing.  The nurses laughed with us about how we had done it on our own.  At 7 weeks we saw the sweetest, tiniest little flicker of a heartbeat on the screen and we were discharged from their office.  I was released back to my OB as a healthy, pregnant woman.

This time, they'll call it a miscarriage.  I don't know why, but I wasn't really surprised...I guess I tend to think the worst.  But, I am devastated.  And I feel betrayed by my body.

I don't really know where I am with all of this right now.  I'm here, telling you about it...and that's something.  I haven't been truthful with you about my life this year, and now I am.

And here's the thing:  I know that this doesn't make me special.  It makes me just like so many of you.  I cannot count the number of women that I've talked to this week who have said, "me too.  I understand your pain."

This has been the hardest week of my life but it has also shown me how truly blessed I am.  Brian and I have felt your love and prayers this week.  I don't know why all of this is happening, but I do know that I am blessed.

I know that I am blessed because my best friend happened to be in town the day that we found out.  When Brian had to go back to work, she was able to come and sit with me, (and bring me tacos because she knew that would ensure that I ate something.)  She was exactly the person I needed that day because she didn't sit and cry with me...she talked to me about normal things and she made me get up and go for a walk.

I know that I am blessed because my mom spent the entire day on the couch with me when it happened.  (Thank God for moms and for Gilmore Girls on Netflix.)

I know that I am blessed because the most beautiful flowers showed up that day and the one time I cried was when I read the note from the women I coach with.

One thing that I've realized this year...if I didn't have PCOS, I wouldn't have struggled to lose weight. And if I hadn't struggled to lose weight, I probably wouldn't have found Beachbody.  And if I hadn't found Beachbody I wouldn't have this amazing support system that I have now and I truly don't know what I would do without it.

I know that I am blessed because this all happened the week of Thanksgiving and I was forced to get up off the couch and spend days with the people who love me most.  Nobody talked about it unless I brought it up, but I got a lot of extra shoulder squeezes as people walked past me and I appreciated every single one of them.  And having these kiddos around didn't hurt either.

I know that I am blessed because I am married to the love of my life and I cannot imagine going through this time in our lives without him by my side.  On every day that we've cried, he's made sure that I have also laughed.  I know beyond any shadow of a doubt that I am blessed because I have him.

I don't know what our family is going to look like, but I do know that we will have one.  I'm as determined now as I was before and I know that we will figure this out.  This really doesn't make me special, even the doctor told us that I am still "statistically normal" after 2 losses.  Miscarriage is common.  It isn't easy or pleasant to talk about, but it is common.  And I'm not going to start talking about it a lot now that I've told you.  I just wanted to tell you the truth about this year.  I hold myself out as a health and fitness coach and the truth is...I'm 25 lbs heavier now than I was 6 months ago.  I need to be honest with you about the fact that 6 months of fertility drugs, hormones, and stress have taken a real toll on my body.  And I know that to have a healthy pregnancy I need to have a healthy body to start with.

I haven't been cleared to workout yet, but as soon as I have I'm going to start Core de Force.  It is one of my goals in life to become successful enough that Beachbody consults with me regarding the names of our programs...

Core de Force: ridiculous name, amazing program.  I'll be referring to it as CDF from here on out.  CDF is a mixed martial arts (MMA) program that we released last month with our two newest trainers, Joel and Jericho.  I haven't been able to try it yet but from what I've been hearing from my fellow coaches who have...it's amazing.  And if I ever needed to feel like a badass and punch and kick my way to a healthier body...it's now.  The tagline for CDF is "fight for it."

I am going to fight for it.

I'm devastated but I am also angry and I'm also hopeful.  I am not going to be defined by this.  I received an amazing gift this week from a dear friend...a daily reminder of who I am.

It came with a note:

Remember that the sky is blue above the clouds.
Remember that you are not your struggles or your circumstances.
Remember that everything you seek is already within you.
You are love, you are light, you are peace, you are joy.
You are bigger than your body, bigger than your thoughts, your past and your future.
Remember who you are.

I know that I am blessed.

Homemade Vegan Snickers

Happy Halloween, y'all!

Full disclosure: I love Halloween.  I don't particularly like dressing up and I HATE being scared...but damn if I don't love eating some candy.  

We are heading into a really challenging time of year.  Not only is the weather allowing us to completely conceal what our bodies look like...but every few weeks is a holiday that involves multiple weeks of indulging in amazing food and treats.  

AKA: 3 months of non-stop eating.

So, I feel that it is my duty to provide some HEALTHY treats for you.  I found these amazing little treats last year on Detoxinista and they are seriously delicious.  I made them last year for Halloween (don't worry, I hand out "normal" candy to the kids) and I cannot be trusted around them.  

Start out by making the "nougat" by measuring out 1/2 CUP of pure, all-natural, creamy almond butter.  

Add 1 TABLESPOON of coconut flour.  This might be weird, but I seriously love coconut flour.  It smells amazing.  I just love it.  It shouldn't be too hard to find, I bought mine at Target but it will definitely be available at Whole Foods or Trader Joe's and other cool places like that.  

Next, add 2 TABLESPOONS of pure maple syrup.  (P.S. I love using maple syrup as a natural sweetener as a replacement for sugar.)

Once you've mixed those ingredients together well, press the mixture into a rectangular shape on a parchment lined baking sheet.  This was easier than I thought it would be...it should be about a half inch thick.  Place the baking sheet in the freezer while you move onto the "caramel" layer.

Next up is 12 medjool dates, pitted.  Dates are SUCH a great, healthy little treat, (especially if you really struggle with a sweet tooth...try stuffing a few of these babies with a little peanut butter.  You can thank me later.)  

Place the dates in a food processor with 1/4 TEASPOON of salt, 1/2 TEASPOON of vanilla, 1 TABLESPOON of melted coconut oil, and 1/3 CUP of water and process until smooth.  You will probably need to scrape down the sides and process again a few times.

Spread the caramel layer on the nougat layer...isn't this starting to look delicious?

Sprinkle 1/4 CUP of chopped peanuts (I just pulse them in the food processor a few times) on top and gently press them down with your fingers.  

Place the baking sheet back in the freezer while you prepare the chocolate coating.

Using a double broiler (or a glass bowl set carefully on top of a pot with a small amount of boiling water in it) combine 1 CUP of chocolate chips and 1 TEASPOON of coconut oil.  Stir until the chocolate has melted and the mixture is smooth.

(If you're a normal person and own a microwave, you can just use that...a few 30 second intervals should do it.)

Remove the baking sheet from the freezer and cut the nougat into bars...however many or whatever size you'd like...because you're the boss here.  I went with "fun size" pieces.  

Using 2 forks, toss the pieces in the melted chocolate and place them back on the parchment sheet to set.  Freeze for at least 15 minutes before serving!  

I store these in the freezer, the filling stays gooey and delicious and they remind me of Ice Cream Snickers.  Ugh, I really don't think I can properly convey how delicious these are.  Detoxinista, you're a genius.

Let me know if you give these a try and have a safe, happy, HEALTHY Halloween!

Transformation Tuesday | Amy's Story

Amy joined the Sweat | Laugh | Love Wellness Community at the beginning of 2016.   After 2 rounds of the 21 Day Fix, she began PiYo at the end of February and will finish up the 60 day program in a few weeks.

Halloween 2015

When Amy and I first talked about her goals, she told me that she hoped to reach 130 lbs by her 30th birthday in May.  She reached that goal this morning.

March 2016

Amy is a loving wife and mother, she works full time and is raising two precious little girls.  She has been such an amazing addition to our community.  Her determination and will power is so inspiring...she gets her workouts done no matter what and her positive attitude brings so much to the group!

I asked Amy to share her journey with us this morning...

What made you decide to try Beachbody?

I had seen some of Brooks' posts and knew she had made some awesome progress with Beachbody.  It was the end of the year and I knew I wanted to start something new to get healthy in 2016, and when Brooks posted something about signing up for her group and getting a free fitness planner, something just clicked that this was the thing to try!  The 30 minute at-home workouts seemed like something that I really would be able to realistically do with a busy schedule and 2 little ones.  The 21 Day Fix seemed like the perfect place to start because I was really looking to change the way I eat and think more about getting the right nutrition I need every day.

How has your day to day life changed since you started?

In so many ways!  Let's see...

• I get up at 5:45 instead of 7 and I am able to workout, shower, and get organized for the day before the kids are up
• I plan out my meals so I am never thinking at the last minute, "shoot, what am I going to do for breakfast/lunch/dinner" (which would happen a lot before)
• I don't stress about getting dressed because all of my clothes fit better and I feel so much better and confident in them
• I have realized how awesome it is to set goals and make plans on how to achieve them
• I eat out SO much less and think I have saved a lot of money
• I make time for me every day

How do you stay motivated?

I have seen some great results already which has really helped me to want to keep it up.  I set small goals for myself and I like the feeling of achieving them.  I enjoy checking in with our group and having positive things to post.

What is your favorite workout?

PiYo - Sweat

21 Day Fix - Total Body Cardio Fix

What is your favorite Shakeology recipe?

Vegan Chocolate Shakeology

PB2

1/2 Banana
Handful of Spinach

Ice

Water

Splash of Almond Milk

What advice would you give someone who is struggling with their own health and fitness?

Make small goals for yourself and notice how good it feels to achieve them.  You will feel good about yourself every step of the way, and soon they will add up to big progress!

How has being a part of the Sweat | Laugh | Love Wellness Community made a difference in your journey?

The group has been an awesome way to make me feel accountable and that I am not in this alone!  I feel motivated to workout so I can share with the group.  I see other people's posts and feel inspired each day, too.  I also have gotten some great ideas on recipes and meal ideas from others.

21 Day Fix Before and After

Since joining Beachbody in January, Amy has lost 15 lbs.  She's lost a total of 19.5 inches including 5 around her waist!  

It's hard for me to put into words how proud I am of her! 

Day 1 of PiYo and Day 30

When I became a Coach, I had no idea how fulfilling it would be.  Amy is just one of the amazing people I get to work with and coach every day as they work towards their goals.  I may help to keep them motivated but they motivate and inspire me every single day.  I truly feel so blessed to have found this opportunity.  

If you are interested in starting your own journey, please let me know!  You can fill out this quick form or email me and I will be in touch with you shortly! 

Until then, please help me congratulate Amy on her amazing progress.  You look amazing, Amy, I am so proud of you!

Why I Became a Beachbody Coach (or "Things I Wish I'd Learned in Middle School.")

As a Beachbody coach, it is a part of my job to share my life with you.  The little, every day pieces of my life.  Healthy meals, not-so-healthy meals, workouts, missed workouts, sweaty selfies, motivational quotes, pictures of my dog...I share these things with you because I am hoping that they might inspire you in some small way.  I share these things with you because my journey to health and fitness has not been easy, and sharing it with you makes it easier somehow...it holds me accountable.

I share these things with you because I know that making the decision to change your life is hard, and I want you to know that you're not alone.

I am not perfect, not even close.  There are days when working out is the last damn thing I want to do.  I struggle with my food choices every single day.  I did not become a Beachbody coach because I thought I had an awesome body and wanted to cash in on my fitness.

I became a Beachbody coach because I realized it wasn't about that.

In the year that I have been a Beachbody coach, I have watched dozens of men and women make positive changes in their lives.  Pounds and inches lost, self-confidence and strength gained.  I am amazed daily by the people in my wellness group.

In the year that I have been a Beachbody coach, I have watched dozens of men and women work hard, grow their businesses, find a little breathing room in their budgets and for some, complete financial freedom. Insecurities and excuses lost...self-confidence and strength gained.  I am amazed daily by the coaches on my team.

If you make the courageous decision to change your life and join my wellness group, don't be surprised if you get some negative feedback.  We feel threatened by people making decisions that we don't feel brave enough to make yet.  And let's face it, Beachbody is an easy target, (you've all seen the infomercials!) but as a real-life girl who lost 20 lbs and is still working on the last 10, I am here to tell you...the programs work.  It's not about the programs, it's about you.

If you have the courage to try, the determination to show up every day and the motivation to keep coming back...well, you'll gain more than you will ever lose.  I certainly have.

And if you make the courageous decision to change your life and join my team as a coach, don't be surprised if you get some seriously negative feedback.  Again, Beachbody is an easy target, it's not a conventional business.  It's a new way to make money and it's easy to call it a pyramid scheme, but as a real-life girl who works hard and has learned more than she ever imagined she would...I am here to tell you, it's not a sure thing.  It's not easy and I haven't made a million dollars and I'm not about to guarantee that you will either.

But, I have been able to pay for my Shakeology and workout programs this year.  I get to spend more on the healthy food that I love without having to worry about the cost.  I get to help pay some of our bills, splurge a little and get my hair colored and buy too many pairs of leggings.

Are there days when I get made fun of for my decision to work with Beachbody? Yes.  Are there times when I feel like a fraud for not having the perfect body and am convinced that someone I noticed looking at me is thinking the same thing? Yes.  Do I think about giving it up?  Yes.  

But then I think about why I started.

I was feeling down today about some silly gossip that made it's way back to me.  It certainly wasn't the first time it's happened and it won't be the last.  There are days when I am able to completely brush it off, there are days when it makes me angry and I'm able to use that anger as fuel for my workouts and motivation for my business...and there are days when I really let it get to me.

Today, I went for a long walk and thought a lot about what I could do differently to avoid negative feedback like that.  I started to think about how I could change who I am...so that people like that might "get it" or understand what I'm trying to do and why I do it.

Then an old challenger sent me a video of her husband and kids doing a 21 Day Fix workout...and any doubt that I felt about what I do or why I do it disappeared.

The truth is, I do care what people think about me.  I want them to think that I'm kind and honest and good.  I want them to think that I'm a good wife, daughter, sister and friend.

Beyond that, I'm not going to worry about it.  

Or at least I'm going to try.